I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
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Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
I’m an avid indoorsman.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.