[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
You Might Also Like
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.