Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
You Might Also Like
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.