During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
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Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
How long do you have to wait between naps?
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Fries, not lies.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.