music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
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[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Whoa 馃槀
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Can鈥檛 figure out if the neighbour鈥檚 baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger鈥檚 hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who鈥檚 on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That鈥檚 what we’re here for.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
I didn鈥檛 know any of my neighbor鈥檚 names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo鈥檚 mom, Phoebe鈥檚 dad, Max鈥檚 mom and Bo鈥檚 parents
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don鈥檛 make the rules.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 馃憡
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
My friend asked what I鈥檇 say if my husband told me he鈥檇 never touch me again? I told her, I鈥檇 need it in writing.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three