Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
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My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.