My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
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Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry