Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
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How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
what could possibly go wrong?
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose