Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!

Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this

mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber

Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy

me: I want to buy some drugs

dealer: are you a cop

me: would I get a discount

My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought

Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.

[Shark Tank]

ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic

MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?

ME: It ate my credit card

ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink

OCTOPUS: Oh hey

officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football

detective: for crying out loud!

officer: most likely yes

A table tale✨

#TheRingsOfPower

Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.

my favorite genre of twitter

CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love

HADDAWAY: shit

[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]

My Financial Advisor:

If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?

My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.

She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake

i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

me: I’m gonna work from home today

co-pilot: wait

If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.

they should invent a hydrating liquor

Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”

How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?

ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]

[ever so slightly later]

ME: [dying from massive blood loss]

Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.

Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)

I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.

My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.

Me: Are you mad at me?

Wife: Eventually.