Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
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[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
socratic questions
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen