I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
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This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
me hitting on a model
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment