Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.

me: how’d the date go

friend: i got ghosted

me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out

she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street

I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.

me working on my assignments ^-^

the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor

Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!

Bruh 😭😭😭😭

My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.

Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands

“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”

3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body

exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time

I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.

I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.

If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.

Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.

That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.

911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.

Me: I’ll see you in court!

Waldo: will you

Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.

Doctor’s office: Please hold.

Me: Okay.

Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?

Me: Please hold.

Cashier: Smile!

Me: Worry about your own face.

Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child

[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget

Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.

It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk

I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.