Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
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Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor