Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
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Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Check out the legs on this baby
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath