Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
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The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops