If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
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A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
It do be feeling this way.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Watson was Holmes schooled
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope