When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
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me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
fair