me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
You Might Also Like
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Danger is very dangerous
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF