“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
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Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Very problematic
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
this will hang in the louvre one day
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.