I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
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How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Oh the world we live in…
Worst bar ever.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Breaking news:
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!