I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
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I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.