Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
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15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Okey dokey.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]