I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
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Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Real House Wines.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him