Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
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Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Worth a try
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.