hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
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I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon