ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
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I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Anyone want a chair?
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.