When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
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It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.