Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
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me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
j o i m p
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Breaking news:
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.