One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
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Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Tremendous stuff
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Who wants to be my Valentine?
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.