One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
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My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze