One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
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I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
sistine chapel
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work