Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
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If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.