If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
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I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question