INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
You Might Also Like
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Hitlers gonna hitl
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.