[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
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Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
I have no passwords left in me
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Just had my nails done!
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T