I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
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Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look