Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
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*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Siri, fight Alexa.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
accurate
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
this could fix me
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast