Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
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So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.