I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
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Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
selfie game
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.