[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
You Might Also Like
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Danger is very dangerous
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…