Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
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The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine