My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
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Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*