-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
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Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Lunatics are gonna loon.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
good work, detective
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere