Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.