It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
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bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
I am, perchance
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence