God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
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What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.