Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
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Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”