I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
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Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
What a website
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”