My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
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A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.