Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
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Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
A short story about romance.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”