The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
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[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
I needed a laugh this morning.