Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
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I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
#milo
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers