Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
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I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Mad Max: Furry Road
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Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
#Caturday
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What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
I’ve watched this 17,467 times