Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
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Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Doctors texting each other.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Check your privilege
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?