Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
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If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Snapes on a plane.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
You are what you delete.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”